Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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