To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
