I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
