I accidentally had phone sex last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
