I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
