Don't make out with my wife yet
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
