Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I am one with the molecules
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
