My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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