Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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