there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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