I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
