Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
