the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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