omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
