I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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