for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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