Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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