when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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