There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I party with great urgency now.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
