update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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