im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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