My balls are so social today.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
