before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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