Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That accounts for only three of the penises
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
