so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize