I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
