just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
