why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
should my penis look like a turkey
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
