we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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