oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
