FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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