Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
