when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
