but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
