I'm lost and stupid without you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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