when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
