So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
