I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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