I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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