MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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