please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
