its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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