he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
