I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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