When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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