Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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