He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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