Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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