just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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