my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
