Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize