She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
