oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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