You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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