If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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