drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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